“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
~ Helen Keller
How did I get here?
Where did I go wrong?
One minute I was empowering my church family, building people all while having a strong relationship with God. Then the next I found myself in a cave of despair, questioning what I have believed to be true for years. Now, one may read this and wonder how someone could begin to question God? Others, may read and understand that this is exactly how I have been feeling. My purpose and intent behind this is not to glorify myself but through sharing of my trials will help bring healing for someone who may have went through or is currently in the same situation.
“2020, The Year God changed everyone’s Vision”
I’m sure like most, this has definitely been a year of the unexpected. We went into this year just knowing it was going to be a year that God gives us clear vision on what to do. Surely I was not the only one who felt that? But even with that being the case, we all still had this uncertainty about the year. We weren’t sure what God was up to, but we was determined that He was going to move!
( And boy did He ever….lol )
Not many could expect that in March the entire world would be brought to its knees from the Corona Virus, also known as COVID-19. We were all left in a state of shock of what was going on, Where was God in the midst of this? Why would He even allow this to happen? I’m sure these were the questions on the minds of Christians everywhere. I mean, we often read about famines in Biblical times, but to experience something similar to it was truly mindboggling!
In 2019 over 1,700 pastors quit each month, 75% report significant stress-related crisis at least once in their ministry, 94% of clergy families felt the pressures of the pastor’s ministry.
In 2020 that number has gone up due to the strain of the pandemic, with 55% saying their stress has increased because of the pandemic. Pastors have found it much easier to shut everything down, rather than to try and remain persistent.
Pastoring by itself is no easy task, but add on the extra weight of leading a people through something that no one living has ever been in and you can see how that type of strain would cause many to give up.
“Losing myself in the chaos”
Covid hit and took the world by storm, literally turned everyone’s life upside down. The church was torn and it took everything to keep things together. But in the midst of the confusion there was something else on the horizon…Racism….
On May 2020, the world was flipped upside down once again with the death of George Floyd at the hands of officer Derek Chauvin. This incident set the world ablaze literally and in no way am I claiming this was an racist act, but it sparked
But this was different…
I can’t quite explain it….this wasn’t the first time something like this had occurred and it may not even be worse to date. But, still…it felt different. Not sure if it was because of the buildup of dealing with Covid or the prior instances before this one or if it was both. I went from seeing God opening up doors, to everything getting shut down; From the confusion of Covid to now social unrest. And without realizing it…I was slowly beginning to lose myself, lose what I knew about God, questions began to linger in my mind and doubt soon followed.
Where is God?
Maybe this whole thing really is made up?
Does He even care that we are suffering like this?
I realized then how the Old Testament prophets would ask the questions and make the statements they did. When they felt God cared more for the unrighteous, than those who served him. This thinking put me in a really dark place, the anger and frustrating lead me to begin doing outside research. I was telling myself that I was only doing it to answer the questions in my mind, but really I was hoping that maybe it was all false, maybe I could find something to justify me doing my own thing….. But all I found, was the unfailing love of the Father. That Him in His infinite wisdom, knew I was going to fall into this cave of despair but instead of chastising me…..He loved me.
"And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.” 1 Kings 19:12
It was that still small voice that pulled me out of my sunken place, It was that still small voice that reminded me who God was, It was that still small voice that told me to get up, wipe my face and get back in the fight.
So, in a way, I did give up. I gave up on trying to do it in my own strength, I gave up trying not to do it God’s way. I surrendered everything I thought God wanted and now I embrace, what He was trying to teach me all along.
Life Changing Hope 